Chronic Advice Farts

I awoke this morning with a tremendous pressure on my brain. It was as though something needed to escape… an embolism of good intent swelling against my better judgement. It was insight that had to be shared. It was a Chronic Advice Fart.

Duct Tape, Plumbing, and Amputee Kludge

Give a man a roll of duct tape and he can fix stuff. Teach a man to use a roll of duct tape and he can rule the world.

Men like to fix stuff. I say men, because women tend to hire professionals to fix stuff. Women are no fun.

This was illustrated in my life by two recent events. First, my good friend Jim sent me a link to his favorite site where many manly do-it-yourself repairs are shown in all their glory. We’ll get to that a little later…

Award Sharing Time

I have been nominated for two Versatile Blogger Awards. This comes as a shock to me because a) why does anybody actually read my blog? and b) why would they think it’s good?

However, I’ll accept this honor because in writing this blog I have come to respect bloggers more than I can express. Writing a decent blog is not that easy. When I started out just a few short months ago I was full of ideas and they poured out. Then they dribbled, then sputtered, then dripped like a toddlers nose. It turns out I’m not that creative. Who would have guessed??  (Be quiet, Debbie!)

There are 23 zippideezillion blogs out there. There are more blogs in the blogosphere than people in New York City. Like the population of New York, the blogs are varied and colorful. Some are celebrities who live fascinating and popular lives, but most are just folks contributing to their little corner of the community. Most blogs are like the little mom and pop diner in the Bronx that only has six tables. Not everybody knows it’s there, but the ones that do, are loyal and stop back regularly. That’s what I want to be. The little diner that has really good pie.

Twisted Branches of Our Family Tree

George Neupert is my 2nd great grandfather. You'll notice the family resemblance with the fluffy white beard and love of reading. If you find old photos like this that you share with relatives, here's a helpful hint. When you scan the picture, make sure to save the file with a full descriptive name. Instead of calling it “Grandpa George.jpg” or worse yet “scan0076.jpg”, give it a full name with dates or something to help describe it. This photo file name is “Neupert, George abt 1840 to 1925.jpg”.

About twenty years ago I started working on our family tree. I used some hand written genealogy papers that an uncle had put together in 1973. I bought the latest and greatest software of the time which, by todays standards, wasn’t very sophisticated. However, it organized the information and allowed for editing. That was far better than paper and pencil. As genealogy software improved I would buy the new versions every five years or so, and luckily the powers that be came up with a universal data program that transferred easily from program to program.

Most of the best genealogy information comes thanks to the Mormons.

These folks may not have invented genealogy, but they sure have perfected it. They are also happy to share. In the early, pre internet days I would go to the local Mormon temple and go through the microfiche record files. This was mind numbing work. Hours would go by and I would be lucky to find one tidbit and then print it out. I went to libraries and wrote off to different states to order copies of records, hoping they would be relevant. I got information from relatives that was primarily based on memory. Written records were few and far between.

Stop Telling Me I Need To Get a Life!

I am getting a little tired of hearing, “Hey Alan, you really need to get a life.”

 I take exception to this opinion of my life, or lack thereof. I have a full life with many varied, though some might say, arcane interests. I am retired so this gives me time to ponder many of life’s mysteries. I don’t mean mundane topics like “what is the nature of god?”, “peace in the middle east”, “why are we here?” or “the economic crisis.” I mean transcendent questions like, “where do dust bunnies come from?” and “who ever convinced women that brightly colored polyester stretch pants look good?”

 In order to appease the folks who think my life is a hollow empty shell, here’s a list of topics and activities, buttressed with photographic evidence, showing my full and enriching life. Prepare to envy me!

Slavery: What’s So Bad About It?

I’ve been thinking about slavery a lot lately and wonder what the big deal is.   I’m certainly not suggesting slavery again for African-Americans. They’ve taken their turn. I think we can find other candidates. How about Mexican workers (and by “Mexican” I mean anybody originating south of Brownsville, TX). They are only about $5.00 an hour away from being slaves already. If you exchange the $5.00 an hour wage for room and board, you’re pretty much there!

Men: Color Blind, Stupid, or Apathetic?

Let’s set the stage. I’m a man. I’m married to a woman. She is caring, intelligent, compassionate, beautiful (insert more superlatives here) but ultimately she is a woman. For my younger readers who are just starting out on the first of their many relationships you may learn from my experience. This is my third marriage. This one has lasted over twenty years. The first two? Not so long-lived. Why? Because I had not perfected my mental editing software. Just like I try to go back over these posts and check for glaring errors, so men must check the words that are about to tumble out of their mouth for glaring errors. To continue the analogy, when I’m typing this post I know I won’t accidentally type great profanities or libelous sentences. That’s the easy part. But little errors of grammar and syntax slip through that might to irritate some peoples to see. (See?)

So in the early days of a relationship I’m sure you know enough not to look at your dear love and say something like, “Holy crap, that outfit makes you look fat as a house. And while I’m at it, did a squirrel move into your hair?”