I am getting a little tired of hearing, “Hey Alan, you really need to get a life.”
I take exception to this opinion of my life, or lack thereof. I have a full life with many varied, though some might say, arcane interests. I am retired so this gives me time to ponder many of life’s mysteries. I don’t mean mundane topics like “what is the nature of god?”, “peace in the middle east”, “why are we here?” or “the economic crisis.” I mean transcendent questions like, “where do dust bunnies come from?” and “who ever convinced women that brightly colored polyester stretch pants look good?”
In order to appease the folks who think my life is a hollow empty shell, here’s a list of topics and activities, buttressed with photographic evidence, showing my full and enriching life. Prepare to envy me!
Like many houses, our home has an abundance of dust bunnies. Being the king of the castle where my word is law, I get to do most of the sweeping. I have observed that dust bunnies seem to congregate in corners. This naturally leads me to ponder their origins. Why do they huddle together? Are they tiny sentient creatures who have a social hierarchy? Are there leader bunnies? Could this be a first contact situation but we keep tossing them into the trash? I sometimes imagine that they have forms that take shapes like clouds. I see recondite images in the dust bunny clouds. While simply sweeping my imagination takes flight. To the uninitiated they may be distasteful clumps, but to me they are poetic inspiration.
The other day may wife and I argued about how many speeds our ceiling fan has. I say it has three speeds: Low-Medium-High. My wife says it has four speeds because she counts OFF as a speed.
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I couldn't sleep last night because I was wondering... what's another word for Thesaurus?
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I’ve had the same haircut and general ‘look’ for so many years. Why is it that when women change their look everyone says they are bold and cutting edge. However, men just stick with the same clothes year after year. Look at the red carpet at the Oscars and you see women with fashion forward looks and men in black tuxedos. If the man is truly a rebel he has a grey pinstripe! I’ve decided to try some new male fashion statements and maybe they will catch on. I’m hoping for a look called the ‘Alan’.
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I'm keep thinking about the uses for dryer lint. This is related to dust bunnies in a way. We generate so much lint and we keep throwing it out. Sure, sometimes we put it in the compost or toss it outside for the birds to add to their nests. But what about art? What about lint as an artistic statement?
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I iron every week. I feel that even though I spend most of my time in a chair in front of the TV with a laptop on my lap, my T-shirt and underwear should be pressed. On the days when I put pants on, be assured they will also be pressed!
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I realized our wind chimes don't harmonize. Does anybody know how to tune a wind chime? This is going to keep me up tonight....
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I watched Dr. Oz (all the way through) and hoped my DVR would get “The View” and not skip it like it did the last time. Then I watched the Oprah Network. I'm getting more sensitive to women's issues by the moment.... Oh yea, Whoopi is HOT!
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I went grocery shopping on Senior Stretch Pants Wednesday. OMG! This store is where all the pictures come from on People of WalMart, Somebody please find out where polyester and Lycra are manufactured and MAKE THEM STOP! Then I found out it was actually "Equines for Idiots Day" and I had forgotten my horse!
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And biggest and best part of my week? Words With Friends is coming to Facebook!!!
So my friends I think this little tour of my week should dispel any suggestions that I need to get a life. Between all of the important activities I’ve just shown you and scooping litter boxes, my life is fulfilled.
Off The Mainstream 
Two questions for you to ponder, my friend. About 7-11;if it’s open 24 hours a day why isn’t it called 24-7 and why are there locks on the door? Don’t stop thinking.
First off, ^ I’d never thought about that! Why would they have locks on a 24-hour mart?
Secondly, while I was teaching at a day camp a few years back, I noticed a little girl bringing a raggedy old stuffed animal in to class with her each day. I asked her about it, and she said it was her “lint-baby” that she’d had since she was an infant. Apparently it had a seam that opened and closed, and each week when they did their laundry, the “stuffing” inside would get dumped out and the new lint would get stuffed in. That way the toy always smelled like home – what an ultimate comforting device for a five year old and an awesome use of dryer lint!
Yes Emily, I wonder the same thing about casinos. They don’t close, why have a lock? I’m glad for the kid with the linty baby, it shows her parents care. I gave my daughter a gift box of cat hair for Christmas last year. I have the video. That may be another blog. She was speechless. She knows I love her enough to give her hair.
you have me laughing like a crazed maniac now! OMG!
Sara, Thank you. That’s what I was shooting for but sometimes I’m not sure…
“My wife says it has four speeds because she counts OFF as a speed”
“If the man is truly a rebel he has a grey pinstripe!”
Omg I almost fell down laughing. Love this post. Excellent one!
I am so glad you enjoyed it. My life is just fun!
Don’t ask how/when/why I stopped changing channels on “Meet the Press”, but they were interviewing a woman who makes copies of famous paintings out of dryer lint. She was talking about how she bought and stores different colored towels to make each shade. They really do look good, and she has sold some of them to Ripley’s Believe It or Not for thousands of dollars. It inspired me to start a sculpture out of pasta in hopes of making the big bucks, but then I started blogging and lost my chances of being exhibited in Riplay’s unless it’s for “the most useless words” or something.
Truly if the pasta calls you, you should get back to it. I love your posts but pasta art is timeless. (unless the bugs eat it, then you smash them and make art from their little bodies.)
Great idea with the bugs…I think my kids will like that too. 😉
Love the Charlie Sheen dust bunny. Winning!!
Thanks S. Le, He’s a winner!
Honestly Alan, I don’t know how how you do it. Such a busy multi-tasker and still you find the time to research and share with us the diverse ponderings of your universe. Now I am going to be up all night in a quiet spin about all the lint I have squandered through the years . . .
@Patti: I think it’s my duty to share with the world. How many tons of lint are needlessly tossed away each year. It’s not the lint you’ve squandered in the past that matters, but future lint that we all should cherish. There is no lint limits except those we impose on ourselves.
A few years ago my dad wandered into a shop selling a variety of cow bells. He listened to each of them – there must have been scores – and chose 8 that formed the perfect octave between them.
He tied them together into a wind chime (it looks crappy) and hung it in his patio. Whenever the wind blows, there’s sweet music throughout the house.
@supernaut; I love that story. That’s a concept even Christopher Walken could get behind.