America’s Got Talent! (NOT)

America's Got Talent (or does it?)

 If America’s Got Talent! proves anything, it’s that America is sadly lacking in talent on a monumental scale. Roughly 3 billion people tried out for America’s Got Talent! and roughly eleven of them had a marketable talent. While our country falls behind in math and science by a few percentile points on the world stage, in entertainment skills we’re obviously ranked #6,432: right behind Krackleakastan. 

I recently watched the season finale of America’s Got Talent! wherein the winner was finally revealed. I actually watched the whole season. When I say watched, I mean recorded and fast forwarded through the endless commercials, sappy stories, and setups. Each 90 second act entails about ten minutes of setup and pathos. This is a stupid, time-wasting, ridiculous show and I never miss an episode. Why? For the same reason I enjoy dancing naked in front of a full length mirror and posting the self-shot naked guy pictures on tumblr. It’s funny, sad, and a statement about how far as a civilization we’ve sunk.

The first few weeks went from city to city auditioning the crème of the crop all vying for a MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show. The three celebrity judges gave each a thoughtful critique (LOL) and moved on to the next hopeful.

Here’s a little hint if you’re thinking that your own personal talent, especially if it’s singing, might get you a MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show. First you’ll need a cheap audio recording device. Today it’s so easy to record your voice, you can do it on a birthday card! So toddle on down to the Hallmark store and get one of those recordable birthday cards. Sing your best song right into the picture of Miley Cyrus and save it. Now play it back to yourself. Do you sound totally awesome? Great!! You’re on your way to a MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show. Now go play it back for your friends and family members. Do they think you sound totally awesome? They do? Well then they are lying sacks of yak feces. Because it’s really a one in a million chance they are telling the truth. They are lying to you because (A) They love you so much, or (B) They hope you’ll believe them and move to New York to pursue your dream of stardom and they can get some sleep.

Do you remember when you were little and your parents told you that your little dog Sparkles went to live on a farm? Well, sad to say, that was another lie they told you. Sparkles actually chewed his own balls off and bled to death so he wouldn’t have to listen to you sing. Sorry, but the truth hurts. So you’re still not convinced? Take your Miley card to a busy mall full of busy shoppers. Whip that sucker out and let your voice fill the air! Do the shoppers stop in their tracks in awe and wonder at this angelic melody? Or do they twitch around slapping their ears with Abercrombie & Fitch bags trying to stop this aural invasion from burning their inner ears?

The America's Got Talent Judges

Of course none of these tests matter. You are delusional. The contestants fighting for that MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show all say the same thing after they are rejected by the judges in the most humiliating way. “They won’t stop my dream! They just don’t understand talent!”

Proof of the American Dearth of Talent (which would be a more accurate name for the show) is in who made the top 100. Remember that’s the best 100 out of the 3 billion tryouts. One would think that those 100 would consist of so much talent it would be nearly impossible to narrow it down to the ‘best’. One would be very very wrong.

Here are just a few examples: (Swear to Gaia this is true. I’m not clever enough to think this crap up.)

A guy who stacks up tongue depressors and plastic cups and then knocks them down.

An old fat guy who jumps off a platform and belly flops into a kiddy wading pool.

A young fat guy who dances really crazy.

A pair of 6-year-old rappers.

Keep in mind the above examples of ‘talent’ are deemed worthy of a good shot at a MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show!!!

You may have noticed or been irritated that throughout this post I have repeated a MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show several times. I’ve done this because AGT constantly, incessantly, and irritatingly throughout the show tells us that these lucky few are competing for a MILLION DOLLARS and a contract for a Headlining Vegas Show!! Since I record the show on my advanced technology, state of the art DVR recorder, I am able to pause the credits when the fine print flashes by. It’s true the winner gets a million dollars. But it’s a million dollars much like the night manager at McDonald’s gets a million dollars for putting in forty years at $10.00 an hour. It’s a MILLION dollar 40 year annuity payable over 40 years. Don’t get me wrong, that’s still a nice prize and if you offered it to me I would take it in a flash. But a MILLION DOLLARS is different from a million dollars over forty years.

So what do you think? Is America truly talented and I’m just a jaded and bitter old man? Or do we just make crap up as we go along in order to sell advertising on TV? Leave your opinion in the comments section, or better yet, sing it into a Miley Cyrus Birthday card and mail it to me!

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